Tuesday, October 25, 2011

my sweet surrender

During my last pregnancy, I discovered yoga, and the power of surrender. I practised breathing through my pregnancy, letting go. And it worked. We had a beautiful birth. Quick, really quick. No drugs. Laughter and dancing. On the floor, out in one push. Magnificent. I had surrendered, listened to my body and allowed it to do its work.

Five months later, my surrender has come to a screaming halt. And I want it back. I am trying to claw it back, but it seems like another one of the ever growing list of things I begin but don't seem to finish, or finish successfully. Caught up in the busyness that is three little children, I realise I am over thinking everything. Surprise! No wonder I can't surrender to the daily joy. I am worried about working or not working outside the home. I am concerned about renting as opposed to having a mortgage. I fear that I am too grumpy all the time for my children and husband.

So I need to surrender some of my ideas and fears. I'm going to write them down now, in an attempt to send them on their way.
1. Time is fleeting. I know this because I found to grey eyebrows this week. I lose my breath when I wave my big boy off at the school gates, wasn't it only about five minutes ago that he was the size of his baby sister?
2. My babies love me no matter how messy the house is. And they love me the mostest when I play monopoly with them/ dress up with them/ spend long minutes staring into their eyes.
3. I am not working outside of the home for the time being. And I am fortunate to be able to do that. Despite the fact that terms like "stay at home mum" make me shudder involuntarily (I don't know why, it just does). The work/ childcare/ home balance is going to be difficult enough when the time comes, so no point troubling about it now.
4. A lot about my life is easy. When I want to do a load of washing, I don't need to light the fire to boil the water in a copper. If I don't get around to cooking a nutritious meal, the supermarket is open and I can grab something quick and easy. I have a partner who contributes to the household chores.
5. Time taken to breathe/ meditate/ do yoga each day is neither selfish or wasteful. It is important and helpful.

I'm OK. It's just that, after experiencing how wonderful surrender can be, I'm frustrated to find myself living the opposite- holding on to stuff that doesn't now, and perhaps never will, be of any consequence.

How do you surrender? Do you find it difficult, like me, or is it easy peasy for you?

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