Saturday, January 5, 2013
waving, not drowning. ok. maybe drowning a little bit.
I knew it was coming. I had stopped sleeping at night, but falling asleep in the day. I felt sluggish, and snippy. Everything I looked at reminded me of yet another in the overwhelming basket of tasks I was yet to finish. I had a big, bad case of the I can'ts.
But most especially, was the look in my kid's eyes. That look that betrayed what he was trying to hide: a fear that the ground was shifting beneath his feet. So I pulled on my big girl pants and went to see the doctor. But there was a wait. Our waiting list is about three months the receptionist said I can give you some paperwork to take home if you like?
Sobbing on the floor of the public toilet next to the fruit shop, with two toddlers stroking my back? Not my finest hour. But an important hour, nonetheless.
The following week my mind was brimming with Christmas preparation, job applications and a couple of sick kids. When I took them to the walk-in clinic, I threw my name in, too. An ear infection and some croup were sorted out. The doctor was kind. She waited for me to talk, and she listened. She talked to me about my treatment last time. She gave me a prescription, a referral and some hope. And two weeks later, the fog really is lifting.
Sometimes, I can't do it on my own. Sometimes, I can't fix it. Now though, I know that somebody will grab my hand, I just have to stick it up to start with. I have some work to do now, starting with taking it easy on myself. I'm looking very forward to feeling deserving again! And feel very, very grateful that I can access help where I live.
How are you doing today?