Saturday, January 5, 2013

waving, not drowning. ok. maybe drowning a little bit.

I knew it was coming. I had stopped sleeping at night, but falling asleep in the day. I felt sluggish, and snippy. Everything I looked at reminded me of yet another in the overwhelming basket of tasks I was yet to finish. I had a big, bad case of the I can'ts.

But most especially, was the look in my kid's eyes. That look that betrayed what he was trying to hide: a fear that the ground was shifting beneath his feet. So I pulled on my big girl pants and went to see the doctor. But there was a wait. Our waiting list is about three months the receptionist said I can give you some paperwork to take home if you like?

Sobbing on the floor of the public toilet next to the fruit shop, with two toddlers stroking my back? Not my finest hour. But an important hour, nonetheless.

The following week my mind was brimming with Christmas preparation, job applications and a couple of sick kids. When I took them to the walk-in clinic, I threw my name in, too. An ear infection and some croup were sorted out. The doctor was kind. She waited for me to talk, and she listened. She talked to me about my treatment last time. She gave me a prescription, a referral and some hope. And two weeks later, the fog really is lifting.

Sometimes, I can't do it on my own. Sometimes, I can't fix it. Now though, I know that somebody will grab my hand, I just have to stick it up to start with. I have some work to do now, starting with taking it easy on myself. I'm looking very forward to feeling deserving again! And feel very, very grateful that I can access help where I live.

How are you doing today?


  1. I'm not glad to hear of your pain, but am so glad you threw your own name onto that appointment.
    I did the same thing recently and am also finding ways to change my thinking, tap into some sleep and control my anxiety.
    Wishing you a very positive start to the year - and beyond.

  2. Those are lovely words. And ones that I really needed to hear.
    I too have been meaning to put my hand up...I just don't feel myself and if I am honest I haven't for a long time.
    But of course something always gets in the way of me focusing on me...often times I intentionally make myself busier than I need to be so I don't have to focus on me.
    Things came to a head just before Christmas and I keep saying that I will call the doctors. I haven't yet...but now I will.
    I caught Toddler C looking at me with just the look that you described...the sort of "are you alright mommy" look...I am getting teary just thinking about it.
    Thank you.

  3. Being a mother is a tough tough gig. And while we flap around taking care of everyone else's needs it is easy for taking care of ourselves to end up under the festy washing pile unattended. Harder again if you have a black dog nipping at your heels. So pleased you were able to connect and get some support. This is a very stressful time of year for so many people and support can be thin on the ground. When the fog starts to life can I recommend trying to get a copy of the happiness project by gretchen rubin . I found it incredibly useful after a long bleak period of difficult mothering. mel x

  4. Ohhh this made me just want to reach out and give you a big hug over the internet. I'm so glad you asked for help, I think we all need to do that from time to time, in one way or another. I've not had the crying in the public toilet next to the fruit shop with two toddlers rubbing my back, but I've definitely had that same scene play out on my kitchen floor once or twice. I often find it's because I'm overtired and have other stresses on my mind. There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture, isn't there?

    Big virtual hugs over the net xox

  5. Ah darl, we must get together and talk soon. I woke up about three months ago and was sobbing before I even was aware of being awake. Really sobbing. I started crying at the drop of a hat for weeks afterwards and still, there are days. Still. I started talking to girlfriends about it. Tentatively at first and then realised they were struggling too - some for similar reason, some for completely different reasons. Then a friend emailed and shared and we shared some more and then some. Good on you for posting about it here. I started to but it didn't feel like the right space. The right space was with my crew, face to face. I hope, if you need it, you can ask, but otherwise, you know where to find me in cyberspace.

  6. I'm so glad you made an appointment to get to the bottom of things. I'm trying to nurture myself a bit more this year. Look after yourself x

  7. Thinking of you, and am so glad you are brave enough to take that step forward and ask for help, or even for realising that you just might need some. Sending lots of love your way xxx
    Rhi xxx

  8. I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better, that you were able to see the signs and knew that just a little help was needed, it's not easy to do that:) Take care lovely. xx

  9. Oh Sarah, I'm so glad you wrote the words 'fog is lifting'. It's so hard. All of it. And I know how you feel. Hoping you find the support that you need, that you find comfort and that you take it easy. Lots of hugs to you. Vanessa x

  10. You are so brave and honest in this post, I am so glad I found your blog. Well done for persevering with the doctors and thank goodness for the sympathetic doctor, a friendly professional ear can really be a lifesaver. And your children sound wonderful, such kindness and grown-up behaviour from them. x

  11. Beautifully written. Such an empowering and hopeful post.

  12. Oh sweet lady your courage is overwhelming. The courage to forge ahead through murky days, the courage to ask for help and your courage to share your journey with others. Inspirational! Wishing you support, peace and much love and kindness to yourself :) x



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